For Max, Husband, one and only…

I miss you so much sometimes that it physically hurts! Sometimes when I am awakened out of a deep sleep, and just before I realize that I am actually in hell, Whatever the smell is in the air that woke me to begin with makes me think I am home on 23rd st., and just for an instant I’ll listen for the television out in the living room to see if Gpa is still awake, but it is when I turn to reach for Max, that I realize I am not where I should be, and the jolt of reality hits me when I realize that it is all wrong, cause Max and I never slept “not” touching. And now as the tears roll down my face, I realize what a foool I have been, even worse, I have not been my own fool…But I have been a fool for the entertainment of others. I will never, until I am crossed over, and outta this world, going to be capable of letting the whole blame game, along with my aledged affair with Ronnie Freakin Riddlke go….I know at least Grampa will be there and at least HE will see and hear the truth of how I DID NOT BETRAY MY HUSBAND.. At least ,not before, and until, he drove me crazy while trying to make me carry the blame for the act of something I did not do.**** And then…….. Yes!…………I did, as God is my witness, betray him. I betrayed us in ways that have left, “my heart and me”, Broken….. ……in ways, I am thankful, unimaginable to most people living and breathing air today, tomorrow, I pray forever ****Sometimes I wonder if that was his way of dealing with his own guilt he had to carry for things he actually DID do. perhaps placing blame onto me, made his load easier to carry. I mean how awful could one hurt, to be sitting in a jail cell for a crime committed to get a fix for himself AND the HOOKER who was sleeping in my BED, then someone comes along to tell him that his wife, his life, his best friend, his favorite place, the one who is all that he knows…. from her voice, to her smell, to her hair, to her smile, to her hand that was meant always to be held inside his own. The one God made to be just for him in this lifetime…She was his very own Angel, and so was he hers…… Until that moment, that dreadful moment..The words blur together: “Sterling, we are sorry to niform you your wife is in a hospital bed 3200 miles from this jail cell dying, and you likely never feel, touch, smell, see, share, laugh, love, or hold her hand, ever again. Because of Heroin, a hooker, a carton of cigarettes, a needle, a tear, a freight train, a love so stoic and solid, never breakable bond of spirits—— ——Broken in the little time it takes for ones lashes to meet. Gone. not even goodbye… What a burden to carry ….. Time’s length not even a factor, because a moment like that can become a lifetime. It did. It became our lifetime. All of what it meant. Our Life. it’s reality. It’s beauty. A love so real, so kind, so cruel to love in this world, the way we did. No boundaries. NO rules. NO reason. no reasoning, why? two souls dancing a dance of a love so seldom born. He was my Angel, as I was his. I know this just as I know my fingers are shaking as I type this ending. I knew before my eyes reached him He was to be mine. I know we will have our dance Mom. I do not care how many lifetimes I must walk through. We shall dance once more. My heart tells me so.”

I am coming back and when I do….Whooohooo

Yeah Mutha Fucka,

you think you got me down,

I”m not down at all

Just stuck.

But I got the chains

I got the brains

I”m pretty

I”m smart

Too nice

and kind

for the likes of you.

No my Brother,

YOU are DOWN

as far as a human can go on the chain of wrongdoing

and madness.

Well your madness will no longer be my sadness.

My life will no longer feed your mangled sense of existance,

While my soul is whitled away by your cruel intentions.

Fuck you!

Is what I finally say….

As I get up pff my dead ass and FINALLY show you who I am,

And EXACTLY where the fuck I came from!

THEN you will finally see what an once of

forgiveness really is worth…

Cause you”ll not get any from this trick,

cuse life is too short,

and time is too precious!

I don’t intend on swimming in that lake with you no  mo”.

So mote it Be Bitch!

I try and try, yet why oh why, does it go unnoticed, while the issues stay the same.

I try, while giving everything I can to my God, and to you, yet you don’t even care enough to see how very hard, and how much of myself I have put into my faith and into our marriage and into you ,yet here we are, once again, I am the villian, and you are the Lamb.
Don’t allow these things to go on. Yes, God is in charge, and can do all things. BUT he has given us the wisdom and the free will to do what is right.
SO do it!
DO what is right! For GOd, for me, for you, and for our marriage.
Otherwise we are never going to have the chance for much of a life together.

Did I not Give you All of Me?

Tonite i sit and ponder my existence here in this world due to your total lack of conscience and lack of respect for another human being, much less your “wife”.
At this point i would give all that has been wasted all ver again, just to be able to go back to the day that I talked myself into thinking that you were worth my augenblick of attention.
BUT I KNOW NOW THAT YOU ARE JUST FUCKING NOT WORTHY OF THE WORDS I WRITE!
I pity you.
You will succeed in binding my spirit through getting me to hate you, although I must admit, you have really done a job on my faith in humanity and the sanctity of “marriage”!
You are nothing.
You are a dot of filth on the bottom of my foot, only washing you away has proven difficult, or at the most, more difficult than I ever imagined.
i pity you for the mere reason that I know in my heart that you are so vain, and at the same time too ignorant and arrogant to even realize the impact that your monstrous actions have had not just on me, but on everyone around you!
You are are pure and utter SOCIOPATH, who’s hatred for anyone or anything larger than you has turned you into Satan’s play toy.
You are his marionette.
A man who’s moves are not even original or owned.
No…. God bless your poor tired soul, you are being played by yourself with the help of everything evil in this world today.
Therefor, I PITY YOU!
You have been blessed with so much and so many, yet nothing was ever enough to fulfill your perverse and putrid imagination of what a “good” life or a “good” wife should be.
You have but shown me that you, not only have no respect for me, or anyone else, but the worst is that you have none for yourself.
You make a mockery of every gift that God has ever bestowed upon you.
You have taken the wisdom that he blessed you with and twisted it into monstrosities as it passed your lips.
As you attempted intercourse with your wife your perversity and demon filled fantasies overwhelmed you to the point that you had to call out the names of black dope dealers to even get yourself off.
I don’t know what made you.
I really don’t.
What I DO know is that it was something so twisted, evil, and disgusting, (and must have happened to you a a very young age),
That it turned you from whatever normal life you could have ever gotten or lived, into Satan’s secret man of the hour.
You make me so sad.
Your life. IT SCREAMS SADNESS AT ME and my soul.
Perhaps it was my pity for you, perhaps my own ghosts led me to you……
That is not now for me to ponder.
Though I’ll say to you now my friend, and it is a promise.
You will never again get the chance to ever look into my goodness again.
EVER.
AS long as I live.
As long as You live.
You will never feel my sweet forginess upon again friend.
I wish you well.
I love you much.
But all I see in your future now is hell…. hell…… and more hell…….
Is it what you wanted Really?
You bought this.
Now you deal!

Writing………or going insane?

this is my daily shit that I really have to let out of my soul or I shall go quite INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!