For Max, Husband, one and only…

I miss you so much sometimes that it physically hurts! Sometimes when I am awakened out of a deep sleep, and just before I realize that I am actually in hell, Whatever the smell is in the air that woke me to begin with makes me think I am home on 23rd st., and just for an instant I’ll listen for the television out in the living room to see if Gpa is still awake, but it is when I turn to reach for Max, that I realize I am not where I should be, and the jolt of reality hits me when I realize that it is all wrong, cause Max and I never slept “not” touching. And now as the tears roll down my face, I realize what a foool I have been, even worse, I have not been my own fool…But I have been a fool for the entertainment of others. I will never, until I am crossed over, and outta this world, going to be capable of letting the whole blame game, along with my aledged affair with Ronnie Freakin Riddlke go….I know at least Grampa will be there and at least HE will see and hear the truth of how I DID NOT BETRAY MY HUSBAND.. At least ,not before, and until, he drove me crazy while trying to make me carry the blame for the act of something I did not do.**** And then…….. Yes!…………I did, as God is my witness, betray him. I betrayed us in ways that have left, “my heart and me”, Broken….. ……in ways, I am thankful, unimaginable to most people living and breathing air today, tomorrow, I pray forever ****Sometimes I wonder if that was his way of dealing with his own guilt he had to carry for things he actually DID do. perhaps placing blame onto me, made his load easier to carry. I mean how awful could one hurt, to be sitting in a jail cell for a crime committed to get a fix for himself AND the HOOKER who was sleeping in my BED, then someone comes along to tell him that his wife, his life, his best friend, his favorite place, the one who is all that he knows…. from her voice, to her smell, to her hair, to her smile, to her hand that was meant always to be held inside his own. The one God made to be just for him in this lifetime…She was his very own Angel, and so was he hers…… Until that moment, that dreadful moment..The words blur together: “Sterling, we are sorry to niform you your wife is in a hospital bed 3200 miles from this jail cell dying, and you likely never feel, touch, smell, see, share, laugh, love, or hold her hand, ever again. Because of Heroin, a hooker, a carton of cigarettes, a needle, a tear, a freight train, a love so stoic and solid, never breakable bond of spirits—— ——Broken in the little time it takes for ones lashes to meet. Gone. not even goodbye… What a burden to carry ….. Time’s length not even a factor, because a moment like that can become a lifetime. It did. It became our lifetime. All of what it meant. Our Life. it’s reality. It’s beauty. A love so real, so kind, so cruel to love in this world, the way we did. No boundaries. NO rules. NO reason. no reasoning, why? two souls dancing a dance of a love so seldom born. He was my Angel, as I was his. I know this just as I know my fingers are shaking as I type this ending. I knew before my eyes reached him He was to be mine. I know we will have our dance Mom. I do not care how many lifetimes I must walk through. We shall dance once more. My heart tells me so.”

I am coming back and when I do….Whooohooo

Yeah Mutha Fucka,

you think you got me down,

I”m not down at all

Just stuck.

But I got the chains

I got the brains

I”m pretty

I”m smart

Too nice

and kind

for the likes of you.

No my Brother,

YOU are DOWN

as far as a human can go on the chain of wrongdoing

and madness.

Well your madness will no longer be my sadness.

My life will no longer feed your mangled sense of existance,

While my soul is whitled away by your cruel intentions.

Fuck you!

Is what I finally say….

As I get up pff my dead ass and FINALLY show you who I am,

And EXACTLY where the fuck I came from!

THEN you will finally see what an once of

forgiveness really is worth…

Cause you”ll not get any from this trick,

cuse life is too short,

and time is too precious!

I don’t intend on swimming in that lake with you no  mo”.

So mote it Be Bitch!

—————-
Now playing: Savage Garden – Truly Madly Deeply
via FoxyTunes

For ten years I have given  you nothing but the best of me, and now after ten years,  I have nothing to show for it, except my constant breaking heart.

I have always lived by certain “rules’ that I put in place myself, for not only my will to survive, but also because I have been and always will be determined to show others the kindness that I would appreciate being treated with.

Also because I wanted to be the better person in any situation.

YOu have called me names such as; a whore, stuid,a bitch, and many more, but those have never bothered me, as I know who I am from within.

But you really got me when you called me a fool.

Simply because you, of any and all, would know whether I have been one or not, as you are all I have concentrated on, or applied myself, to for so long now, that I believe you when you say it.

I must say it cuts right through to the bone.

I threw a love aside, I ridiculed and betrayed a love that , Although, not a perfect one, it was a true. and never swaying, and never ending one.

And for what?

To be scoffed at, laughed at, used and abused over and over. Until all that is left of me is  a carcass, with no light around me, no love within me, no strength to even pull myself up for the trillionth time.

And now, not only do I not have the physical wearwithal to start over, I have nothing to start over with.

You know why right!?!

I have been your fol one more time.

And now that I am sick, and weak, and needy, you carelessly tell me to go.

Go where? Man?

I have put everyone and everything aside, for so many years, and so many times now, that I HAVE no one, and no where, and nothing left, to go with or to, and you know that perfectly.

I hope one thing for you before your life ends…..

I hope that you become strong enough in character to be  accountable…. for all that you have caused to go awry, in not only your life, but in everyone Else’s whom you have stabbed in the back, the front, those of us that you’ve hurt, just because you could.

Because you have never been held accountable for shit!

That is precisely why you hurt the ones who have loved you the most.

Because you are never to blame for anything you do.

There is always a fall guy or a scape goat lined up for you to tell your own concience.

Once you yourself come to beleive your own lies, well then… It is easy to get everyone else ot go along with them.

Only I’m sorry to be the one to break the bad news to you, but that will only last so long, it will only get you so far.

Man. It may even get you to the very end of oyur life. I mean the very second that it ends, as you draw your last breath it will come to you though, like a freight train running through your mind. Like a camera on shutter speed with multiple frames ..click, click, click, click…..

Then it will hit you.

Oh, wait where am I going?

What have I done?

Oh GOD, Please HELP ME you’ll scream, but you are the only one listening, you are the only one left.

Only you and GOD.

May he bless you and forgive you with abundance my friend, ’cause you are one dude that id definately going to need it!

GOOD LUCK,

and

GOD BLESS….

Your wife who gave her all, all is what you took for granted.

shame  shame   blame  blame..

Fuck Your tyrarny!

I am passed

trying to understand

what your intentions are,

were,

or

what they would have ever become

with me.
Why did you

choose me

to torment?
What is it about me

that makes you want to

hurt me,

insult me,

belittle me,

and run ruff shot over me, when I am

and have been

the ONLY person who

has ever stood by you

no matter what.

Even so, you treat me like

a piece of trash

that you would just as well wipe your ass with.
You have disrespected me,

my home,

my heart,

and my dreams

of ever

having any kind of life with you.

I have been tormented by you

until

I really just want to be

rid of you and

and anything to do with you,

any memory

of you ever having been in my life!
Your pure unadulterated filthy meanness is

so obnoxious

and heartbreaking, that I frankly,

want nothing more to do with you

ever

anymore!
I just want to be far Away from you!
I pity you!
I really do.
I wish you well,

but I know now

you will never have any kind of  life with me,

Simply because you never wanted that

or me.

So.

it is time

to pick up the pieces of my life

move on

with what I have left of the material things,

and build myself a new life,

with the help of my spiritual belief,

and the faith I have in my own self worth.

you have left me with nothing

but hurtfelt memories

and the realization

that you

never meant to do anything

but hurt and betray my kindness

and to test my faith in what could be.

Now

all I feel is  disgust at my own stupidity,

not to mention

my repeated self destructive actions

and simple hard hardheadedness

when it came to making things work with you.-

-You never cared enough to even try

so

I am

as of right now,

gone, gone, and gone,

out of your reach!
Your mean insults and ignorant gestures

can no longer hurt me, as ..

I don’t care

what

you do

or

say

anymore!
May your God bless and keep you!

R.Geissler