For Max, Husband, one and only…

by yARN pUNK

I miss you so much sometimes that it physically hurts! Sometimes when I am awakened out of a deep sleep, and just before I realize that I am actually in hell, Whatever the smell is in the air that woke me to begin with makes me think I am home on 23rd st., and just for an instant I’ll listen for the television out in the living room to see if Gpa is still awake, but it is when I turn to reach for Max, that I realize I am not where I should be, and the jolt of reality hits me when I realize that it is all wrong, cause Max and I never slept “not” touching. And now as the tears roll down my face, I realize what a foool I have been, even worse, I have not been my own fool…But I have been a fool for the entertainment of others. I will never, until I am crossed over, and outta this world, going to be capable of letting the whole blame game, along with my aledged affair with Ronnie Freakin Riddlke go….I know at least Grampa will be there and at least HE will see and hear the truth of how I DID NOT BETRAY MY HUSBAND.. At least ,not before, and until, he drove me crazy while trying to make me carry the blame for the act of something I did not do.**** And then…….. Yes!…………I did, as God is my witness, betray him. I betrayed us in ways that have left, “my heart and me”, Broken….. ……in ways, I am thankful, unimaginable to most people living and breathing air today, tomorrow, I pray forever ****Sometimes I wonder if that was his way of dealing with his own guilt he had to carry for things he actually DID do. perhaps placing blame onto me, made his load easier to carry. I mean how awful could one hurt, to be sitting in a jail cell for a crime committed to get a fix for himself AND the HOOKER who was sleeping in my BED, then someone comes along to tell him that his wife, his life, his best friend, his favorite place, the one who is all that he knows…. from her voice, to her smell, to her hair, to her smile, to her hand that was meant always to be held inside his own. The one God made to be just for him in this lifetime…She was his very own Angel, and so was he hers…… Until that moment, that dreadful moment..The words blur together: “Sterling, we are sorry to niform you your wife is in a hospital bed 3200 miles from this jail cell dying, and you likely never feel, touch, smell, see, share, laugh, love, or hold her hand, ever again. Because of Heroin, a hooker, a carton of cigarettes, a needle, a tear, a freight train, a love so stoic and solid, never breakable bond of spirits—— ——Broken in the little time it takes for ones lashes to meet. Gone. not even goodbye… What a burden to carry ….. Time’s length not even a factor, because a moment like that can become a lifetime. It did. It became our lifetime. All of what it meant. Our Life. it’s reality. It’s beauty. A love so real, so kind, so cruel to love in this world, the way we did. No boundaries. NO rules. NO reason. no reasoning, why? two souls dancing a dance of a love so seldom born. He was my Angel, as I was his. I know this just as I know my fingers are shaking as I type this ending. I knew before my eyes reached him He was to be mine. I know we will have our dance Mom. I do not care how many lifetimes I must walk through. We shall dance once more. My heart tells me so.”